I can hear them out there in the office plotting. They come in in the mornings and immediately set about planning my demise, I’m sure of it. I wonder how they think they’re going to do it and be successful. If they’re going to just kick down my door, barge in with homemade weapons fashioned out of office supplies; or if they’re planning a more subtle approach like hacking into my email, planting evidence, and having Top Brass stumble on it and eject me. It doesn’t matter because I’m protected on both fronts; a general always plans for the impossible. I’ve got traps set all over my office should they decide a front attack, and my own growing arsenal; and I haven’t turned on my computer in weeks. See how well they frame me when all the evidence points to my freedom. Then they’ll be the ones packing their desks into boxes and having security escort them out. It’ll be hard to plan a coup when you can’t even step foot in the building.

“Morning John.”

Hamish was standing in the doorway. I think he might be the ring leader. Newest member of the team he’s still got that spunk, that drive. He’s ambitious and gunning for my chair. Sorry to say he doesn’t know what kind of a fight he’s in for. It takes a special breed to get to management. I hold up my finger to tell him to wait a second as I grab the phone receiver. “Sylvie, yes good morning…it is supposed to be a beautiful day…a meeting? Well I’d love any opportunity to talk about my future with the company…yes I’ve got some big ideas…looking forward to it…ciao.” I turned back to Hamish, “Sorry about that. Sylvie, the general manager, always coming to me for ideas.”

“Isn’t she on vacation this week?”

“Tells you how much she values my input. What can I do for you?”

“I’m having trouble putting in my time for yesterday. It’s giving me some sort of error. Would I send that to IT?” He’s still standing in the doorway. So close, just two more steps in and he’d hit the first trap. I wait hoping he’ll venture in just a little further. “John?”

“Sorry. Um, sounds like it might be something wrong in the program. Take a screen shot and send it to HelpDesk; and CC me on the email.”

“Excellent, thanks for your help.”

“It’s what I’m here for,” you filthy backstabber. Don’t think I don’t know you’re up to something. Probably purposefully trying to mess up your pay so you can blame it on me. I’ve been around for a while though, you’re going to have to work a lot harder than that if you‘re going to try and pull one over on me. This is why I’m up here, in this lush corner office, and you’re out there in the pod. They’re using conventional thinking and rehashing old ideas. I’m a top-tier level performer coming with originality. Like changing the box measurements so we could fit the same amount of product inside but more boxes on the skid. Arnold stole that from me, and took all the credit. But I got him back. No one’s going to notice a few drops of peanut oil on their sandwich. That’s what sets me apart, and what will keep me one step ahead of my team as they plan their futile takeover.

I can hear them out there, the three of them, tapping away at their desks, the occasional polite request for a stapler or some tape. Too wise to my open door to discuss their plans openly. To ease the tension and lull them into a false sense of security I put on my headset and pretend I’m on an important call. I walk over to the door, cautiously stepping around the trigger of one of my traps, and close my door.

“I don’t care if we have to stay on this phone call all day Heidleburg, we’re going to come up with a solution.” I yell into the phone, giving the impression that I’m really busy. The door is closed, but not latched, still open just a crack. It’s all about appearances. Then I switch headsets to the one connected to the tiny microphone I planted in their pod. Determination, perseverance, ingenuity; doing what it takes no matter the cost. This is what puts me ahead. A click of a button and it’s like I’m right there in the room sitting next to them.

“Is everything ready?” Hamish whispers.

“I think so,” Susan says. “We just need him out of the office for a bit. Long enough to set up.”

Planning something for today? I have to admit I was a little surprised. I didn’t think they would be that prepared, but I was always one step ahead.

“Should we do it at lunch?” Maureen asks.

“Only if he decides to come. If not we’ll figure it out when we get back. We don’t want to make him suspicious by trying to force him out.” Hamish says.

“Perfect. If not, maybe I’ll get Maxine to have a quick meeting with him in her office. Just long enough so we can setup.” Susan says.

I click the headset off, that’s plenty. I’ll be ready. If they are planning a full attack today I should prepare, plant some more traps.

I spend the rest of the morning prepping my office with two more triggers; one in my computer for when they try to turn it on and steal information, the other in my filing cabinet for when they search for sensitive documents or plant more incriminating evidence.

There was a knock at the door.

“Come in.” Hamish pushed the door open and stood in the doorway. Crafty, two steps away from the trigger again. I may have to move it. “What can I do for you Hamish; get that time-issue sorted?”

“Yeah they’re working on it. We were going to head out for lunch, go to Jesus Burger up the street, did you want to join us?”

“Thanks, but I’ll pass today.” A mighty ruse, but I was already privy to their plan. “Pretty swamped and I’ve got a conference call to prep for.”

“Did you want us to bring you back something?”

“No it’s all right. I’ve got some leftovers from last night.”

He lingered in the doorway a moment before nodding his head and leaving. Once all three of them had left the pod I opened my drawer and pulled out the weapon I’d been crafting; an open stapler duct taped to the end of a meter stick. One of an arsenal I had been crafting. They weren’t going to take me down. Not today.

Hamish was definitely the ring leader, but that didn’t mean I could lower my guard around Susan or Maureen. I’d seen Maureen’s CV on file and she had ample experience in many other offices; some doing shipping and receiving, some manufacturing, some IT work. That was her greatest asset, her greatest advantage against me. She had diverse experience and if she was smart she would have picked up a few tricks in other industries that I hadn’t even considered yet. Too bad for her, lucky for me, she didn’t have the drive; until Hamish came along.

Susan, on the other hand, was a veteran in this office who had been here for years. I’m fairly certain she was responsible for my predecessor leaving, though I hadn’t been able to find direct evidence. If I were being truthful she was the one that I was most worried about. Hamish was young, eager, and brash. You could read his intentions on his face and he was apt to make mistakes because he was moving too quickly and not thinking things through. Susan was in the long game. She was practiced and patient, just waiting for her window of opportunity. And when she saw it, she’d take it.

My door was open when they all came back from lunch and they all mumbled Hi as they walked by. I could see the disappointment on their faces as they passed. It felt good. If they were angry or upset then they may slip up, make mistakes. Then I win.

I could hear Susan on the phone just outside my office talking in whispered, hushed tones. A minute after she hung up I saw my phone light up. I was Maxine. They were pulling the trigger.

“Hello?” I answered.

“John, it’s Maxine. Do you mind coming up to my office for a minute, I want to go over a report with you real quick.”

“I’m kind of swamped here, can we do it remotely? Send me an email.” I had every intention of leaving and giving them the time and space to set off my traps, but I wasn’t going to make it easy for them.

“I sent you an email about it this morning but you never got back to me.” I looked at my blank computer screen. “It’ll only take a couple of minutes, I just have a few questions.”

“All right,” I sighed audibly and hung up the phone.

I walked out of my office, and out of the pod, and made my way towards Maxine’s office. I thought about making a big show of leaving and telling everyone where I was going but they already knew. I wanted to keep it simple and not let on that I was ready.

In Maxine’s office I played along and answered her questions about the report she had pulled. “Yes those numbers are right…I pulled them from the DBD report…this is compared to our results this time last year…” all the while keeping one ear to the door waiting to hear the result of Susan, Maureen, and Hamish breaking into my office. I expected to hear an explosion, the fire alarm going off, and people running and screaming for their lives. After ten minutes of silence Maxine said she got the gist of the report and I headed back to my office.

I stepped into the pod, careful and still expecting, hoping, to see chaos even though I hadn’t heard anything. All the lights were off, it was dark with the blinds closed. I pushed the door to my office open, darkness, reached in and flicked the light switch.

“Surprise!” everyone yelled as they jumped up from hiding spots behind my desk. They were wearing party hats, streamers had been strung from the ceiling, and a banner in front of my desk read Happy Birthday. Susan was holding a rectangle chocolate cake with Happy Birthday written on it in blue icing. I stood there, my mouth agape. Was this it; was this the real surprise they had been planning today? All those whispered secrets to get me out of the office to do this? Had I been wrong about them? Still, why did none of my traps activate when they came in? I made a quick glance and nothing looked as if they’d been tampered with, had I not set them properly?

“Let’s go out into the pod where there’s more room,” Hamish said. He brushed passed me as he led the procession out. They brought out plates and plastic cutlery, Susan had a large knife that she used to cut the cake and dole it out to everyone. “You’re a hard person to trick, I didn’t think we’d ever get you out of the office for this.”

A party, that’s what they had been planning. Okay, maybe today was going to be fine. I took a piece of cake and bit into it. The middle layer was fudge, my favourite. Today there was a truce. After the party I’d go into my office and dismantle the traps.

But tomorrow, tomorrow was another day.